Tragedy

I have no words to express how i'm feeling right now...
I feel so lost, so confused and it's almost as if I am scared of who I Really am.
I'm not someone who gets crushed under pressure or stress so easily because I have experienced it so many times in school. I am also not someone who get sensitive easily to my surroundings or the events that's happening around me. I don't cry easily over emotional movie scenes, or feel fear from watching horror movies (probably just shock most of the time).

However, I do notice that there are times where I'll just cry over some unhappy memories from the past that I suddenly remembered and there are also times where I'll get extremely angry over absolutely nothing important. Like hearing an expression that wasn't being said properly, which led me to misunderstand.

The other funny thing is that, I also notice that I will just have this I-don't-care moments where I'll stare to stare a lot and just stone. My heart refuses to listen to anything or anyone even if was something major or important for me to understand so as to misunderstood any longer.

- This sucks ya know -

Now.... I do know, from the counselling sessions that I've attended previously, that sometimes we can't control what we are feeling and that's totally normal because we are humans after all. But, the most disturbing thing about me is that I don't feel any guilt at all.

I don't feel guilty.
I feel nothing.
I feel the torture that I'm implementing on myself and the other person.
I feign something but most of the time it's just an easy act.
But in the end, I'll feel empty.

I had a big argument with my boyfriend. And as always, I sort of started it, although both sides were at fault. I know that I am the one who misunderstood the whole situation and I'll admit it. I was too sensitive and I feel so insecure. My blood was just rushing and my heart is pumping so hard.
I could feel it against my chest. Just tum tum tum tum tumm... At that time, all I needed was to just keep calm and think positive. But at the peak of an argument, it's impossible to not even shout.

I wanted some kind of escape. Maybe that's why I usually just hang up my phone on my poor boy when I'm feel like whatever that is coming out from his mouth is not going to make things any better. In my head, all i'm thinking is "ARUGH! Just STOP!", although I know I have the power to stop. I have lost all control of the situation when things get bad. I can't really stop it. At least, not by myself.
How am i suppose to stop myself? I know I can. But I keep having this feeling that HE is the one who is supposed to make it stop.

It's obviously stereotyping between genders. But, believe me, I'm Not. I do not actually think that guys have to always be the one apologising. I know it's totally biased. But OH-GOSH, when I'm no longer myself, no other self just takes control of me and she is just soooo strong. Strong on putting rules like "DO NOT BACK DOWN & LET HIM WIN"  - Probably something like that.

However, I do have this strong mindset that guys should always be the one who does something first to make the whole situation better. It doesn't have to be an apology but maybe just.... don't continue being angry and erupting like a volcano too. Fire with fire, it'll spread like wild fire.

But guess what, I also DO know that a guy is also human and he also loses control of his temper.

So I guess that's the problem there.
I erupt like a volcano and he'll just follow suit.
And here comes another sleepless night, streaming of unwarranted arguments. :(

There's a positive part to my side of the story though.
My boyfriend can quite the dormant volcano.
ok, maybe not dormant. He'll erupt but he knows his limits.
That's all for the positive part.

The confusing part comes next.

No matter how nice my boyfriend is, as he tries to calm me down. I will never listen to him.
The thing is, I won't just erupt. I'll turn into something else or someone else that I can't control.
Picture a volcano that is erupting.
But it erupted so much and for too long.
It's no longer a volcano.
It's like some major mind-blowing disaster that will change the whole landscape even ten thousand miles away from it.
That's me.

I can't control my decisions. I can only try my best to restrain myself.
No one will ever know how it feels because I can't describe this any better.
I feel like I'm suffering so much and I feel so weak against myself.
School counselling doesn't seem to help even though I do need help.
I don't want it to happen again.
I don't want to hurt myself an the people around me.
Also, and most importantly, I don't want to lose myself.