Impromptu Cycling + Parent Problem (Part 2?)

Brunch @ Bread Society 

Suntec City

Today, I went out with Polar Bear. It was a planned lunch and movie date. But somehow I just didn't feel like watching any of the movie that's airing right now. We thought of watching divergent after looking through the trailers of current movies, unfortunately, Divergent would only be in cinemas on the 20th March. Just a few more days. 

Usually we would then watch our next best alternative but there wasn't any that I wanted to watch. I'm VERY picky with watching movies in Cinemas actually. Movies that I would watch on the big screen would usually be those that are highly recommended or received awesome reviews.

So, as soon as I realised that there's nothing else that interests me, I felt like cycling. The decision to go cycling was very impromptu and I wasn't really thinking about the weather. I even forgot that there's haze and it's blazing hot. But, being the fast thinking Polar Bear my boyfriend is, he already planned the route on how we're gonna make our way there already. I love how he is always ok with all my unpredictable hasty decisions. :) 

So we end up going to Parkway Parade and then walked around for a couple hours before we head down to East Coast Park for a ride. At that time, I was already on a mood swing and I suddenly don't feel like going cycling anymore. I always feel guilty whenever I have these mood swings. It's not like I want to be like that. I just don't feel like talking much and I don't smile at all. Polar bear would get really worried when I'm quiet. He's been asking "Daijoubu??? Daijoubu Anata?" allllll the way. Kept asking me whenever he can. He has that sad but concerned look on his face. And I actually really appreciate every single time he ask me. Who wouldn't love a caring Lovable Boy. <3

So halfway, we stopped at the "Foodcourt" (I forgot the name) there, where there's plenty of stalls selling seafood and satay-man trying their best to grab customers. We had Sugar Cane drink and just rest there for a few minutes. After that, we went to a near-by "Rock" (those protruding out parallel to the shore...there's probably a name for it that we learned in Sec 2 Geography. I forgot.) and had some couple time there. It was so windy and nice. I lay down on his lap and even fell asleep after he massaged my back. 

Sunset

You know what, blogging really helps me remember the stuff that I did in the day and Seriously appreciate the things that I have like this Polar Bear here. Such a sweet heart. Maybe that's why I'm fell in love with him. Although I don't believe in love, this relationship is just so magically wonderful when you think back about it. Well... He tried his best to make it like that, so he deserves an applause.  :)

Next Up!

My Parents. 

Haiyaiiyayayaiii~

I wish my father can sincerely love my mother. 

Frankly, I don't think he really do loves her at all. 

My mother came home very late, didn't answer our calls and got us very worried. She's sick but she still went to work because no one was able to replace her. And since she got her feelings hurt by my father, I wasn't surprised that she didn't feel like coming home today. But still, I was worried. Papa tried to call her multiple times but I could see that he wasn't really worried for her. He looked like he was forced to do it because he has his responsibility as a husband. I was mad at him when he said "I've got work tmr...why is she doing this...", then he looked down like as if he is the sole victim here. I have my limits at trying to understand someone. Yes, I can tell that he is tired. BUT! He's not the only one working! He shouldn't have complained and only think about himself. He should be worried about mama and be sincerely worried. Not worried just because she's his wife. 

At that point, He did lose a little respect from me. He should have been mature enough to throw away his pride and stop hurting Mama's feelings. 

Unfortunately, since I am only his daughter, I have no right to scold him and show how mad I am. 

All I did was lectured him a bit and said "Stop It Already PAPA.", then glared at him slightly. 

I wish my parents would fall in love with each other again. 

Ahhh... I need to study ECONS and do project research and codings!

Haiz... For the next couple of days. This is me.

 xoxo,

So, here I go again.
It's quite rare for me to post twice on the same day. or maybe not exactly the same day (Since it has already pas midnight.) DIANA! You should be sleeping!
But nah... I'm not gonna sleep yet. I hate going to sleep without taking my time doing stuff that I wanna do. And while I'm doing my 'Stuff', I'm waiting for my boyfriend to be back home safe and sound. :)
then we can FaceTime and sleep at the same time. Sound so cheezy I know. But who cares... If love gotta be so mature and careful, then there's no fun to it.

Enjoy while that Young-Love-Hunger still exists in the relationship. 

There's nothing to lose anyway.

Love On! Whoot!

Haha. Whatever.

Just don't do anything stupid.

Love can be so cruel to your heart sometimes. 

Why I say this?

Because sometimes you don't really get to feel or hear what you really want from your partner, and yet, you'll still be in love with him no matter how much you've suffered because you know he does love you and you still love him just as much. See. Cruel yet Desired.

But I don't believe in what people express as 'True Love'. I don't believe there's such thing as being one's 'True Love'. 

Does that make someone your one and only one and no one else can replace him/her? 

Plus, if that is so, then how would you actually know if you haven't yet meet every single bachelor on earth? How can you be so sure about that person then? There might be someone out there who is much much better and is truly someone who is a perfect match that suits your very own personality, attitude, lifestyle and pretty much everything.

Or is it because that person is your 'True Love' as whatever that he/she has is enough for you?

What I'm trying to get at here is that 'True Love' (to me) is not about being that Special Someone or that One and ONLY one or the Perfect Soulmate. No.

It's about being able to find a partner who you can put your trust into, be loyal with, rely on and most importantly: 

Build that special relationship Together.

You can only clap with two hands.

Or was it

You can't clap with only one hand.

You get what I mean~

But hey, even if I just say this kind of deep (or not so deep) lovey stuff, I'm no real expert. 

I'm still learning and I'm just trying my best. Because I know, my boyfriend is trying his best too. 

What actually got me writing about this, is my parents. My father is one of the world's most stubborn human who refuse to understand the reason behind his wife's sensitive behaviour. Although he is no doubt a great father and occasionally a good, understanding husband, he lacks the ability to read and manage situations that involves the feeling of his heartbroken wife.

And at the same time, my dear mother, who can be extremely sensitive and someone who probably have a Master of Over-thinking, can take things to another level very easily. 

They've been through a lot of miscommunications through their whole entire marriage. I hate to see them suffer but some things just can't be controlled. Changing one's attitude is always hard. 

What they can do is just to accept the negative part of their partner. There's always sacrifices to be made but at the end of the day, these sacrifices should never be regretted but instead be proud of. 

Guess that's all for tonight. 

Time to Knock Off. 

OYASUMI~ <3

Don't stress People! All the best till End of Finals!

It's funny how I'm already trying to cheer for everyone (including myself) even though Finals is still 5 weeks away. However, you can never ever underestimate how fast 5 weeks can just fly past 5 when you're busy. Very Busy.

I feel like my schedule is so pack and miserable that I forget that actually I'm not the only one. My friends are all going through the same things that I'm going through. Or they are probably more busy because of CCA commitments, but I don't. I don't have a proper CCA. I just go help out as sub-committee in whatever events that interests me.

Currently I'm under Logistics for SMUSAIC Summer camp. SMUSAIC is a photography club. THE funny thing is, I'm not an actually member yet. YET.
Becasuse I have not attended any of their walkabouts or workshops yet. Haha. But there'll be plenty in the camp. It's a 3 days 2 nights chill camp for SMU's Photo-snapping fanatics.Do sign up if you're interested alright! :)

#RANDOM

I miss my boyfriend. >.<
I'm not sure what exactly I'm missing. But I do miss him.
He is going through a lot for now and trying to find a stable footing somewhere in his career right now. I hope everything goes well. For now, all i can do is understand his situation and try my best to help him out however I can help. I've just bumped up his number of likes for POWERFIX (They company he's working together with).
But with this whole new job that he's busy with, I've actually figured out the Best Anniversary present for him. Nyahaha~ Secret. But I know he'll love it. I need lots of time to get it started though. Better start now or there won't be enough time because our 3rd Anniversary is just 1 1/2 months away. =/

WORK IT.

OWNDAYS

Now that my mother knows about my private self, it's very hard to predict what she's thinking and what's going to happen next. I want everything to be normal and continue on being normal while I try to find a way to help and "heal" myself. Even pretending that everything is fine is something that I do on a daily basis. So let's just keep it that way. Nothing is wrong with trying to make everything feel normal right?

At least I'm not ignoring the problem, although, I don't actually act on it, I do ponder for a while and try sort of self-reflect on what happened. Time to just let it go and keep be as best as I could. 

Sometimes I get soo much pressure just from thinking too much.

I need more sleep. Haha.

Well, let's just go on with something else.

 I just got myself a new spectacles! :)

It has a weird shape but oddly, it kindda fits my face shape well. 

I have a very roundish, squarish-broad face shape. Very very big face. Although I do have a little hint of sharp features, my face can look really chubby after eating chocolates or anything awesomely-fattening like Nacho cheese sauce, triple chocolate fudge ice cream etc...OH YUM YUM

So I got my specs from OWNDAYS. (Click on picture to their website)

Above are the different brands that they have. 

When you visit their shop, the first thing that'll attract you the most is the fact that there's so many options to choose from and they displayed the frames openly with plenty of mirrors so that you can try them on freely without having that salesperson pressure around you. 

But of course, the staff there will kindly as you if you need any help.

At first I was very interested with the Owndays slim reading glasses. They're so slim when you fold them!

But then I was too spoilt for choices, I went round and round and round the shop, trying in various frames. Frankly, I wasn't too worried about the prices while I was randomly picking up the frames to try on because none of them will exceed $198. 

The price range is $98~$198 includes the optical frame and 1.60 high-index aspheric lenses.

Very affordable indeed. 

You will have to top-up $100 if you want other lens options such as:

Progressive lenses

Transition lenses

Colour lenses etc.

Best thing (to me) about Owndays is that It's Made in Japan and that it takes only 20 mins for your brand new specs to get ready! 

Ok, that's actually 2 things. Haha. I'm just loving this shop. Their service was quite good as well, all trained optometrist. Yeah. 

Here's mine! It didn't really come from any of the brands on top I think. It was randomly placed somewhere and I already forgot where. >.<

But I like it! 

It's definitely something different because it have that down sloping design towards my nose bridge. My Boyfriend and family members said I look like a Sensei. But I look like a sensei in any kind of frame design anyway.

Colour: Brown/black leopard pattern

You can't really see the leopard pattern much though form the picture. Haha.

Chiao.

Tragedy

I have no words to express how i'm feeling right now...
I feel so lost, so confused and it's almost as if I am scared of who I Really am.
I'm not someone who gets crushed under pressure or stress so easily because I have experienced it so many times in school. I am also not someone who get sensitive easily to my surroundings or the events that's happening around me. I don't cry easily over emotional movie scenes, or feel fear from watching horror movies (probably just shock most of the time).

However, I do notice that there are times where I'll just cry over some unhappy memories from the past that I suddenly remembered and there are also times where I'll get extremely angry over absolutely nothing important. Like hearing an expression that wasn't being said properly, which led me to misunderstand.

The other funny thing is that, I also notice that I will just have this I-don't-care moments where I'll stare to stare a lot and just stone. My heart refuses to listen to anything or anyone even if was something major or important for me to understand so as to misunderstood any longer.

- This sucks ya know -

Now.... I do know, from the counselling sessions that I've attended previously, that sometimes we can't control what we are feeling and that's totally normal because we are humans after all. But, the most disturbing thing about me is that I don't feel any guilt at all.

I don't feel guilty.
I feel nothing.
I feel the torture that I'm implementing on myself and the other person.
I feign something but most of the time it's just an easy act.
But in the end, I'll feel empty.

I had a big argument with my boyfriend. And as always, I sort of started it, although both sides were at fault. I know that I am the one who misunderstood the whole situation and I'll admit it. I was too sensitive and I feel so insecure. My blood was just rushing and my heart is pumping so hard.
I could feel it against my chest. Just tum tum tum tum tumm... At that time, all I needed was to just keep calm and think positive. But at the peak of an argument, it's impossible to not even shout.

I wanted some kind of escape. Maybe that's why I usually just hang up my phone on my poor boy when I'm feel like whatever that is coming out from his mouth is not going to make things any better. In my head, all i'm thinking is "ARUGH! Just STOP!", although I know I have the power to stop. I have lost all control of the situation when things get bad. I can't really stop it. At least, not by myself.
How am i suppose to stop myself? I know I can. But I keep having this feeling that HE is the one who is supposed to make it stop.

It's obviously stereotyping between genders. But, believe me, I'm Not. I do not actually think that guys have to always be the one apologising. I know it's totally biased. But OH-GOSH, when I'm no longer myself, no other self just takes control of me and she is just soooo strong. Strong on putting rules like "DO NOT BACK DOWN & LET HIM WIN"  - Probably something like that.

However, I do have this strong mindset that guys should always be the one who does something first to make the whole situation better. It doesn't have to be an apology but maybe just.... don't continue being angry and erupting like a volcano too. Fire with fire, it'll spread like wild fire.

But guess what, I also DO know that a guy is also human and he also loses control of his temper.

So I guess that's the problem there.
I erupt like a volcano and he'll just follow suit.
And here comes another sleepless night, streaming of unwarranted arguments. :(

There's a positive part to my side of the story though.
My boyfriend can quite the dormant volcano.
ok, maybe not dormant. He'll erupt but he knows his limits.
That's all for the positive part.

The confusing part comes next.

No matter how nice my boyfriend is, as he tries to calm me down. I will never listen to him.
The thing is, I won't just erupt. I'll turn into something else or someone else that I can't control.
Picture a volcano that is erupting.
But it erupted so much and for too long.
It's no longer a volcano.
It's like some major mind-blowing disaster that will change the whole landscape even ten thousand miles away from it.
That's me.

I can't control my decisions. I can only try my best to restrain myself.
No one will ever know how it feels because I can't describe this any better.
I feel like I'm suffering so much and I feel so weak against myself.
School counselling doesn't seem to help even though I do need help.
I don't want it to happen again.
I don't want to hurt myself an the people around me.
Also, and most importantly, I don't want to lose myself.